Working with the Public: A Guide to Losing Faith in Humanity

I have witnessed firsthand the stupidity of the American people by working at a gas station a few years back. A place where no matter how much money you make, what kind of clothes you wear and how old you are, if you drive a car, you must go there on a regular basis. Although it may seem fascist, we're basically getting there anyways, and I believe that putting a cop at every gas station would be an acceptable use of tax money, so long as we give him the authority to revoke anyone's license based on their audacious behavior.


You were given that plate so you didn't have to walk 3 miles from one end of the movie theater parking lot to the door, NOT so that I would pump your gas. If you can't pump gas how the hell can you drive a car?? Driving a car involves using your feet, legs, hands, arms, and a level of intelligence slightly higher than that of a chimpanzee. That's all you need to pump gas...not even. I've seen people with one leg do it without any assistance. What's your excuse?


I don't care if you don't know how to do it. Learn. If you can't learn, kill yourself.


All old people should be required to take drivers exams every six months. They're retired. They have free time. I have witnessed an old person drive to 5 different pumps before he finally figured out which side of the car his tank was on. Look out for that guy on the road. Also, old people feel entitled to have their gas pumped. I don't have sympathy for the guy with the handicap sticker, and you think I'm going to have sympathy for you? It's not my fault that in your old age you are determined to look back on your life with regret, and take it out on every poor soul who comes in contact with you. Pay 2 cents more at the full service place up the street grandpa. Back in the day you walked 3 miles up hill both ways to get to school; I think you can pump your own damn gas.


I think I finally understand why people from New York always bash people from New Jersey.

What kind of morons need to make it a law that there are no self service gas stations? Are they all really that stupid or just lazy? Jersey Shore should have answered that question for me, but I still couldn't believe it, so I actually called a New Jersey gas station just to confirm what all the Garden State drivers were telling me.

"Hi, umm...yeah...I'm from New Jersey, and we don't pump our own gas there."

"Hi umm yea, I'm from Massachusetts, and I don't give a flying fuck."

Congratulations on making your state look like a bunch of incompetent morons.


Hey asshole! Welcome to America, we speak fucking English here. I thought maybe after 15 years of working at Dunkin's with the English speaking community, you might have at least learned how to say numbers.

What's that? You want tang on tang? Sorry buddy, we don't serve orange juice substitutes at this gas station.

Illiterate Immigrant: I want twen.
Me: ten?
Illiterate Immigrant: twen.
Me: ten??
Illiterate Immigrant: TWEN!
Me: oh twenty?
Illiterate Immigrant: **nods** twen!

No you fucking moron. Repeat after me....TWEN-TY…not TWEN. TWENTY.

Since the company who runs the gas station I worked at was completely incompetent, we ran out of gas usually at least once a week. When this happened, I would put up signs on the pumps to let customers know we are out of regular gas. Everyone can read them, even the Russians! But not the Mexicans.

English: No Regular
Spanish: No Regulare

HELLO! If I went to Mexico, and saw a sign on a gas pump, that said No regulare, I would know what the fuck that means. Even if it said Nao regular (portuguese) I would know what that meant. You are a fucking disgrace to your race. Even the stupid Americans can read! Well, most of them anyway...okay, okay, maybe not so much.

Bringing me into...


If you can't pump gas, how did you graduate high school...seriously?

My grandfather used to say, "If all else fails, read the directions."
That fact that these morons managed to graduate, and yet, can't follow step by step instructions (only three steps mind you), is more evidence that America is going to shit because parents insist that the class only go as fast as the dumbest kid, leaving us with class full of illiterate morons. Congrats, that's the future of America. If Obama could make Ben Bernanke print hope, we still wouldn't have enough of it.

If you can't understand this, please seek professional help:


On another note…Your high school graduate should also be able to answer simple yes or no questions.

Example: Debit yes or no? How about you choose from the two options given to you instead of hitting every button on the fucking gas pump you dumbass?





This pretty much explains itself. Surprisingly, on any shift, the average number of people who couldn't tell that the window was open was about 75%.

I don't think I need to explain why it's dangerous that these people are operating 3000 lbs+ vehicles.

Bottom line....if you can't pump gas, don't fucking drive.