George III is most famous for his loss of the thirteen British colonies to country riff raff. Many of us are the spawn of them country bumpkins. The crown's grave mismanagement and overreach played a big part in the bloodbath. The Navigation, Molasses, Sugar, Currency, Quartering, Townsend, Tea, Quebec and Stamp Acts were just some of the blunders that cost George's Empire its golden goose. Royal hubris has consequence. Sometimes it impregnates a populace with anger and forces the premature birth of a country. It's beginning to smell a lot like the United States is a 237-year-old stillbirth, though. But let us not travel down that putrid road. Independence is a nice story that makes for a good hoorah with beer in hand once a year, and the political puzzle pieces seem to fit nicely enough.

Our predicament is much like the animals, I tell you. I myself am thinking of going the way of the West African black rhino, or maybe the golden toad. Extinction. I reckon my last ribbit won't be to their satisfaction. You'd be wise to do the same. I am by genital, er… genetic design, an ignorant blaspheming hate monger with no capacity for empathy. Sin is my birthright. That's right, I'm a white male. The very sanctity of the air I breathe is...